November 8 – All or Nothing Thinking
"You will respect my authoritah!" — Eric Cartman, South Park
There’s that episode of South Park where Cartman gets appointed as a junior police officer. He’s wearing aviator sunglasses, waving a nightstick, and strutting around town barking orders:
“You will respect my authoritah!”
The funny part is that everyone sees through it — nobody listens — which only makes him yell louder. His motives don’t take x-ray vision to spot. It’s all self-righteousness dressed up as purpose, and every time he doubles down, he just spins himself deeper into his own self-centered panic. It’s all about running the show — trying to force everyone to fall in line so he can feel like he’s on top.
Unfortunately, I used to get like that. For me, anxiety sounds like “Nobody is listening!” Then depression hits, and it turns into “nobody is listening…” Same words, different volume — all my problem. That kind of all-or-nothing thinking has been with me for years, built somewhere along the way of my alcoholism. It can still sneak up before I even notice it’s there. And just like Cartman, everyone else usually spots it before I do — which, of course, frustrates me even more.
AA has given me tools to pause before I react, because my reactions usually knock me backward — two steps back after one step forward. A friend in AA regularly reminds me that a big part of this program is learning how to relax and take it easy — you know, actually surrender instead of waiting for other people to surrender to me. Prayer and meditation don’t have to be some huge holy production where I transcend to another planet. Sometimes it’s just taking a quiet second to seek God before I swing my nightstick.
When was the last time you realized you were trying to run the show—and how did that usually work out?
