“Deep down in every man, woman, and child is the fundamental idea of God. It may be obscured by calamity, by pomp, by worship of other things, but in some form or other it is there.” — Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 55
For a lot of us, in the beginning, we thought we just needed a new start. A new relationship, a new car, big money — then we’d be fine.
So we’d scroll dating sites like we were picking out ice cream at the grocery store. We’d look at our ride and despise it, wanting something that could take us far, far away. We’d turn our noses up at job offers because the fast money wasn't there.
When we were in meetings, we felt like we had purpose — get sober and help out. But when we left the meeting, we’d occasionally think, “who am I?” — and our inflated self-image had an answer waiting. The ego relentlessly drags us all over our own lives grabbing whatever identity it can find. We’d reach back and pull out some old version of ourselves — who we used to be when we were the big-shot, or when life felt impressive. Or we’d latch onto a future version — who we were going to be once everything finally lined up. Then we’d act from that place instead of where we were actually standing.
Looking back, wasn't it all the same thing? A roundabout, dressed-up version of being way too preoccupied with ourselves. A slick excuse to stop thinking about other people and obsess over ourselves. Using other things to climb an imaginary ladder above everyone else. In the end, wasn’t it really about worshipping anything that made us feel good — and smashing the subtle start to humility we picked up by walking into an AA meeting?
The Big Book has a chapter called Into Action. We were writing our own called Into Distraction.
At some point, with determination to live a new way of life, a lot of us gave up and thought, what if we just take this not-drinking thing seriously for once, and stop worrying about all the other stuff? Goals are good — they keep us moving — but our first goal has to be learning a way of life that keeps us sober. Nothing else matters. Just show up, show up sober, and see what happens.
What direction is your pride trying to pull you right now — and where are you still not satisfied with your life as is?
