JANUARY 23 – Admitted
“We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery.” — Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 30
I’ve admitted to the group that I’m an alcoholic. I might not understand the power in that just yet, but I admitted it anyway. Saying it out loud hit different — like hearing my own voice confirm what I’d been dodging for years.
I still ask myself, have I fully admitted it to myself, though? That’s where it can get tricky. I crossed a line with drinking, and trouble followed. A lot of my friends still drink like I did, but they seem to be able to stay out of trouble. I don't have a full view of their lives, just what I see on the outside, so maybe they can, maybe they can’t — but the fact is I couldn’t. It finally caught up to me. Alcohol hurt me. I got tired.
The hardest part isn’t saying I’m powerless — it’s meaning it.
It’s not about being worse than anyone else. And once I could finally admit that, I didn’t have to keep pretending it was all under control. Admitting it to myself didn’t fix everything, but it cracked the door wide open.
Admitting it is surrendering it. And for the first time in a long time, I’m ready to move on and take responsibility for my alcoholism.
Have I really admitted this to myself, or am I still hoping I can drink like other people one day?
