One of the greatest esteem-building things we've discovered in recovery is learning to hold back gossip and criticism. In AA we hear a lot of sensitive information. We learn about people's lives, their fears, their mistakes, and the things they've never told another soul. If empathy hasn't taken root in us yet, those stories can sound like fuel for tearing someone down.
But after a while in the program, something changes. We begin to realize that the person sharing may have never had a safe place to tell the truth. For some people, that one hour in an AA meeting may be the only place in their entire week where they can finally be honest. They trust us with something precious.
That leaves us with a choice. We can use what we've heard to make ourselves feel a little bigger by making someone else look smaller. Or we can quietly protect their confidence. Nobody applauds us for it. There isn't a trophy waiting. But something inside us strengthens.
Keeping another person's confidence gives us a quiet reward. It builds the kind of self-respect that gossip never could. We become known as people who are safe to talk to. People don't have to wonder what we'll say once they leave the room. They know they'll be met with understanding instead of judgment.
That kind of quiet integrity is one more esteem-building thing. And before long, we find ourselves becoming the kind of friend we always hoped we would have.
Has someone in recovery ever made you feel safe enough to tell the truth? What did they do that made the difference?
