October 15 — Do They Even Know?
“What you deny or ignore, you delay.”
It took me about six years before I actually got real with my sponsor. I thought I had, but I was still editing myself — leaving out the parts that made me look small, scared, or uncomfortable. I told myself I was not wanting to waste their time, but really, I was protecting my image.
The truth is, I had this little ball of crazy I was guarding.
Somewhere inside me was a tight, twisted cluster of things I had never told anyone. I tried to keep it buried under Big Book quotes, clever one-liners, and pretending everything was fine while parts of my life were quietly not adding up. I could talk recovery all day long, but inside, things were still unsettled.
One day I finally stopped hiding it.
I sat down with my sponsor and let it all come out — childhood, past relationships, hating drinking while I was still doing it, my kids, the guilt, the fear. I did not try to make it sound spiritual. I just put it on the table.
And there it was, out in the open.
Yes, I struggle.
Yes, there are things I cannot figure out.
And pretending they are not there has not been working.
What came back was not judgment or a lecture.
It was, “Welcome to the club. You are officially human. Now that it is out, we can fill it with something different.”
That was the moment honesty stopped feeling like exposure and started feeling like relief.
Sponsorship does not work if I am still wearing a mask. My sponsor cannot help the version of me I am managing — only the person I actually am. And every time I hide something, denial quietly returns.
What’s one thing that might be holding you back from doing the thing you already know you need to do?
